Forgive me
by EstellleR
Summary: Never touch these craps … I made myself this promise, few years ago. I promised him too ... The only that I didn't want to disappoint. But Times have changed... If it was so easy ... ( This is my 1st fan fiction in English ... Usually I write them in my native language ( French ) so I apologize in advance for the errors. If you find it, don't hesitate to prevent me )
1. Chapter 1

\- Have you eaten something? 

I answer " No " , shaking weakly my head. I was so tired, I no longer have any strength for doing anything. 

\- Please Erin ...  
\- I'm sleepy. 

He looks at me without any answer. He just puts a blanket over me and I thank him, before asking ... 

\- How was your day?  
\- Like the others. 

He tries to smile but I know he lies. He didn't want to tell me anything about his job. 

\- Jay ...  
\- It's good Erin, don't worry about it. 

Don't worry? It was my fault if he has to endure the Voight's fury. I was the only person responsible. 

\- You can't continue like this ...  
\- So what? I resign? You have already done it ! I won't let him ruin my career ! He has already broken up your life, it's out of the question that he continues to piss us off. 

He stops for a second, trying to calm down then he speaks again, a calmer tone. 

\- Look Erin... You resigned because you wanted to be loyal to him. And I respect that. But Voight didn't respect you, and he didn't respect me. I can't doing my job normally ... But until when? I waited patiently but he's going too far ! I swear to you that if he continues, I won't hesitate to tell him a few home truths. That way, he will have a good reason for sending me packing ….


	2. Chapter 2

\- Yo buddy ! Is everything alright?

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Antonio next to the locker. I am sitting on the bench, and even if I'm looking down, I can feel his gaze on me.  
I nod briefly, still head down ...

\- Jay, you can talk to me.  
\- There is nothing to say Antonio ...  
\- Really? I know how difficult the situation is. And ...  
\- No, you don't. I swear to you that you have no idea.  
\- So talk to me, man ! I'm not Voight. And believe me, I disagree with his attitude. But I'm your friend.

I look at him, shrugging our shoulders.

\- What can I say? Except that I have destroyed Erin's life? Nothing ... I think.  
\- How is she?  
\- Not so great. She feels guilty.  
\- She shouldn't. And you neither.  
\- Not so easy. I'm losing everything I have. My job and Erin.  
\- No no no ... You lost nothing. Erin is still here and you have your job. You are a very good cop Jay...  
\- Maybe ...  
\- Not maybe ! You are one of the best!  
\- I don't know if I'm able to continue ... I have the impression that she has never been so unhappy since ...  
\- She tried talking to him?  
\- No ... She never speaks about it so ...  
\- You should try Jay.  
\- Me? Are you kidding me?  
\- Not at all ! I mean ... I think he has been offended by Erin. She lied to him, and you say that better than anyone their relationship. She's like a daughter to him. You can't understand, you don't have got any child. But believe me, it's hard to swallow. I don't justify Voight, far from it. But I can understand what he feels ...


	3. Chapter 3

\- Okay guys ! We found 2 kilos of drugs in Shannon's house. And her husband is still missing.  
\- It's suspicious ... She hasn't received any news from him and she doesn't seem worried about it.  
\- She's lying from the beginning ...  
\- She protects him ?  
\- And yet, she has no reason to do it. She's cuckold and we can't say that he's the better husband …  
\- Halstead, what do you think?

The young officer looks at me, shrugging their shoulders. I can see he has his mind on other things. More often in recent times ... He looked troubled, but what I'm more concerned about is his job. He no longer has the motivation. And I have to admit ... If he had to leave the team, it would be a big loss.

\- We don 't have check the basement. And the child, she had a frightened look in the presence of her mother. And Shannon didn't want to leave her alone with us ... I think she knows a lot. Maybe a bit much for her mother …  
\- She's in danger?  
\- I will not say in danger ... But she's not in security.

I approve. He's right. I had the same sensation when we were in the Shannon's house.  
Voight stares at Jay for a while. He seems to think for many seconds, before speaking.

\- Right, ask her the permission to search the basement. And if she still doesn't want, you come back with the search warrant ...  
\- And for the girl? asks Antonio.  
\- Not questioning right now.  
\- So ...

I can't finish my sentence. The Sergeant Platt comes into the office, joined by a little girl. And I recognize her immediatly. I frown, very surprised.

\- But what ... ? begins Voight, as stunned as we was.  
\- She wanted to see Lindsay. And nobody else.  
\- Where is she?

Asks the 6 years old girl, a little panic. Antonio gets up from his chair and goes back to her.

\- Your mom' ? She's ...  
\- No please, she begins to cry. She doesn't know I'm here. And if she ...  
\- Don't worry, we don't tell her anything. But why are you here?  
\- Lindsay ... I want Lindsay.  
\- She's not here.  
\- Please... I need her. I'... I' ...

She bursts into tears. I look at Voight who nods assent ...


	4. Chapter 4

It is 3:40 pm when Olinsky calls me. He asks me for going to the office. I question him for the reasons but he doesn't answer me. He just tells me to come rapidly. 

* * *

When I arrived, Voight briefed me about the situation. A man, named Trevor who is missing for 4 days. And the drugs found in his house.

\- His wife pretends not to know anything ...  
\- And it's not the case?  
\- She's lying, Antonio sighs. Maybe we were mistaken ... And we suspected the wrong person.  
\- Burgess, can you bring Carla here?

A few seconds later, she comes back with a little girl. When she sees me, she smiles graciously.

\- Lindsay! I knew you would come !

She rushes up to me. So I crouch in front of her and I hold her hand.

\- Hey baby ... How are you?  
\- I missed you a lot !

I try to remember if I saw her before. But don't. I have no idea how she knows me.

\- Did you want to see me?  
\- Yeah, she agrees.  
\- I listen to you Carla.

Instantaneously, her expression changed. She seems afraid, and panic.

\- My friend ..., she mutters.  
\- Who's your friend?  
\- Don't you remember? You had come when Miranda was sick ... I was here, with my friend Lolita.

And I remember that. But nobody was present.

\- Are you sure? I asked her if ...  
\- We were hidden in the closet. She was angry because she was sick. And also, I was here when you protected Lolita. She asked me to contact you in a case of a problem.  
\- Just ... Wait a minute ! Your mother and Miranda, do they know each other?

She agrees and she begins to cry.

\- Please, say nothing to my mum. If ...  
\- Don't worry baby. You just tell me, why are you here?  
\- Lola needs help. Please, can you help her? She's in danger... So she hid in a secret place and told me to contact you ...

I hold her in my arms, trying to calm her down.

\- Where is she? We're going to find her ... Alright?


	5. Chapter 5

Sitting on my car, I look the building from a distance. I had a bad feeling … Very bad feeling. I sigh before turning around. Carla is still sitting in silence and she looks through the window.

\- Is she there?  
\- Yeah … , she agrees. Let's go?  
\- You're going to stay here okay? You're going with my friends.

She stares at me, tears in their eyes.

\- Eh baby … don't worry. Do you see the car behind us? You're just staying here.  
\- But I want to stay with you …  
\- I come back soon. I promise okay? But you must stay with my friends.  
\- Lolita told me she wants to see you and nobody else …  
\- And I'm going alone. My friends are going to stay with you.

I try to reassure for a few minutes. She was very afraid. I had the sensations she knew a lot but for the moment, she doesn't say anything.

We get out of the car and we meet the rest of the team. There was Voight, Antonio and Jay inside the pick up.

I get Carla in the car before moving towards to the passenger door.

Behind the wheel of the car, Voight looks at me.

\- Are you ready?

I shrug my shoulders. I wasn't feeling good… Not at all.

\- Lindsay?  
\- I don't know … I have a bad feeling.  
\- Are you sure you don't want somebody go with you?  
\- Yeah, it's okay.

But I wasn't sure. I tried to convince myself of everything is going to be okay but at the bottom of me, I knew nothing was good.

\- Well… I'm going.  
\- If you have any problem …  
\- I call, I know.

Next to Voight, Antonio says " Take care " . I nod with a little smile before going away, headed for the bulding. ( en direction de )

I open the door. The room was in the dark and an unpleasant odour emanated, obliging me to cover my nose with my jacket …

\- Lolita? Are you here ?

No answer …

\- Does anybody here ?

Suddenly, I feel something under my shoe. So I stop me, looking down on the floor.

\- Oh my God … No no no no …

I can't move anymore. I'm frozen. All of my members are litteraly frozen.


	6. Chapter 6

A vision of horror. That was the description of the situation. It was also the horrible vision in front of us.

Bodies. Many bodies were lying on the floor. All children.

\- Lindsay ... Come on.

She doesn't answer. She doesn't even move. Just she stays here, crouching and staring vacantly into space.

So I walk up to her and I stare at her, before whispering.

\- Lindsay ... Carla needs you.

She turns her face towards me, tears in their eyes.

\- I ... I can't ...

\- Erin, look at me. Carla is outside. And she's afraid, very afraid. She doesn't let anyone approaching her.

\- Carla?

\- She's okay. She's outside and she's waiting for you.

Finally, Alvin takes her outside while with the rest of the unit we examine the place.

\- How much?

\- 12 childs sergant. All girls. And all raped.


	7. Chapter 7

\- It's 2 am Halstead ... I hope you have a good reason. Really good. So ... Either you're in the hospital or you ...

\- It's Erin.

He stops talking. I heard his respiration through the telephone.

\- She's gone.

\- What do you mean?

\- She's gone, I repeat.

\- I understood that, he replies sarcastically. But 2 am? You let her go alone. What the hell have you done?

I don't answer. I can't. Because I can't believe what's happened...

\- HALSTEAD !

\- She ... broked up and she left. I ...

I can't even finish my sentence. I feel a lump in my throat.

\- I'm coming.

I don't answer. I know it's a hard thing for him considering his dissatisfaction with Erin and me.

\- Halstead?

\- ... Yeah ...

\- I'm coming. Okay?

\- ... Yeah ...


	8. Chapter 8

I listen to him for many minutes now.

He explained to me how she relapses into drugs. Also, he explained to me her change of behavior since the Lolita's case.

\- Did you know when she relapsed?

\- No ... Not really. I had some doubts since she left the team. But when Lolita died, things got worse. Not to mention the Bunny's come back...

He sighed, shaking his face with a troubled expression.

\- I told her to leave her alone but ...

\- She begged that she needs help and you aren't allowed to prevent her from seeing her daughter.

He approves.

\- Yeah ... Exactly. She needed money and some stuff. Erin didn't want to tell me anything about that. But I heard a conversation ... So I meddled in. But Erin didn't appreciate and she told me to get out. So we had an explanation ... I thought it was totally clear. But when I woke up, I found a letter but not Erin ...


	9. Chapter 9

I use another cigarette. It was the ninth or maybe the tenth.  
I don't really know.  
I shiver. The wind begins to come up and the sea rises. My feet hit the water, I shiver more and more. My entire body is even colder …

Then, I feel a presence. I don't need to turn around for recognizing this person. I knew who it was immediately.  
He sits down next to me, without saying anything. During several minutes, he stayed here, silently.

\- Jay called me, he says finally.  
\- It wasn't necessary …  
\- I don't think so. He is really worried …  
\- It's just temporary. He will get better.

I feel his gaze on me. I know he doesn't understand and I know he wants to do it. But I can't. It's not so easy …

\- What's happened Erin?  
\- Nothing. It's okay … I'll leave… For a while …  
\- And am I supposed to believe you when you says all is good? He interrups me.  
\- … Just like holidays, I explain.  
\- And you still imagine that I continue to believe your lies …  
\- I'm telling the truth Hank!  
\- Not with me Erin. You can lie to everyone but not me.

I shrug my shoulders. I didn't want to justify myself anymore … I just want to … stay alone.

\- Talk to me Erin. Don't do this.  
\- What?  
\- Withdraw into yourself.  
\- And I don't . I just want everyone stop asking me if I'm okay …  
\- I'm not everyone. And Jay neither. He's your future husband Erin. You can't run away every time you feel bad. Stop retreating you into silence.  
\- He's not …

I turn my face toward him. He looks surprised …

\- He's not my future husband. I said no.

… And now, his surprise augmented … Much more.

\- I should have listened to you. He's not a guy for me.  
\- That's the reason you're living with him, for months?

I don't know what to say. Honestly, I harldy understand his reaction. He was the first to disapprove our relation ... And now he speaks in Jay's?

\- I needed you Hank.

The words just came out from my lips …

\- I really needed you. That's Right … I wouldn't have lied to you. But… I didn't know what to do …  
\- You don't have to justify Erin. I screwep up, not you. Even if I didn't understand your choice, I should have to respect it.  
\- Well … Anyway it's over now …  
\- You can't say that Erin. And you can't either.  
\- That's life …  
\- No, it's not. You only do this because you're going through a hard time and you refuse any help.

I don't answer. I know he's right but I'm like that.

\- I'm sorry Erin. I'm really sorry … I should be there for you.

I understand then he's not just talking about our situation … And I understand especially that he knows...


	10. Chapter 10

2 weeks. Erin left for 2 weeks. But I have the impression she's gone for an eternity. I miss her a lot. More than I could have imagined ..

\- Jay?

I look up at Antonio. He's with Olinsky and Ruzzek. All, they stare at me.

\- Come with us ! he says to me.  
\- Thanks ... But I have work.  
\- It's okay. Voight deals with it, Olinsky explains to me.

I really have no choice. And maybe It's a good idea. Maybe it would help me to change my mind .…

\- You can go Halstead, Voight says to me.

He just left out of his office and obviously, he was about to go. He puts on his jacket and he stares at me.

\- I don't want you stay here tonight. Clear?

So with the rest of the team, we leave the office. We go downstairs before leaving the building.

\- Tomorrow, at 9 am here. We …

Voight continues to talk about tomorrow. But my attention is drawn to a presence that I feel. So I turn my face and … I see her. Just across the road. Next to the Voight's car …

\- It's Erin?

I look at Voight, waiting an answer. He follows my gaze, he turns his eyes towards his car … Before sighing.

\- Have you heard me Halstead?

I don't listen to him. Not at all. I can't. I'm too busy to stare at her. No doubts. It's her …

\- Come on Jay. Let's go.

But I don't move. I can't and I don't want. She's here. Just here. I'm feeling strange. On one hand, I'm feeling happy. To see her face … But on the other hand, I'm feeling hurt, disappointed…

\- I just want to know … , I murmur.  
\- She's, Voight informs me. So, we'll see tomorrow. Good night guys.

He moves away and he meets Erin next to his car. Both get inside and few seconds later, they quit the road.


	11. Chapter 11

I sigh, hearing others knocks on the door. I take a look on my alarm clock : 7 a.m.  
A Sunday. I really hope that the person who wakes me up so early has a good reason ... Very good reason!

\- Halstead?

I stay surprised. But I wait his answer, his reason ...

\- Sorry for the inconvenience ... Erin is here?

I continue to stare at him, frowning. It's a joke or ...?

\- You can say you wake me up a Sunday, at 7 am, for ... that?  
\- Not for that. For Erin, he replies.

I don't know which one of them I'm going to beat...

\- Don't you sleep a sunday morning? Like most people ... Or like normal person, you know.  
\- I try to call her but ...  
\- And you didn't think she didn't answer because she slept?  
\- Exactly, I did ! That's why I'm here.

... Finally, I think he's gonna be the first to be slapped.

\- ... Listen, I'm very sorry. If I had other solution, I'd do it. I waited, I promise I waited and I tried many others solutions. But this one, is the last ...

After hesitating few seconds, I let him inside. Then, I show him a door, with a nod.

\- She's here.

He thanks me and I go back to my bedroom. 

* * *

\- Can I come in?

She moves a little in her bed. Probably she still sleeps. I grimace ... It was hard enough with Voight, but I fear the most with her.

\- Erin?  
\- What the hell's going on? Do you know what time is it?  
\- Yeah ... And I'm sorry. But I think I need to talk ...  
\- Oh ... And it couldn't wait ?  
\- I waited Erin. More than 3 weeks. Maybe if you could answer to my messages ...  
\- I told you I needed time !  
\- And I respected your decision. But until when you need time ? I want to know Erin. You left me just a letter, and you're gone! Do you think really I'm contenting with this fucking ten lines ?  
\- I didn't say that Jay...  
\- Honestly Erin, for you it's normal to leave me like that? Without a word? Why Erin? What did I wrong?

I hear her sighing. Then I see her standing up straight on her bed.

\- I didn't know what to do ... I needed more space, I needed to stay alone...  
\- So why didn't you tell me?

She doesn't answer immediately. After a short silence, she talks again.

\- Listen ... I get dressed and we go for a walk. Right?  
\- I would like ... , I acquiesce.  
\- Wait for me a second. I'm coming.

I come out of the bedroom and I close the door behind me.


	12. Chapter 12

We get out of the house, few minutes later. So we start to walk up and we arrive at the Park. We sit down on a bench and I begin to talk.

\- I intended to call you back. But I needed to be alone ...  
\- ... And I can understand. But why you left me like that? Not a word, just a letter?  
\- I'm sorry. That's right, I couldn't leave in this way.

He acquiesces, before speaking.

\- Why Erin? What did I wrong?  
\- Nothing Jay ... It's just me. I wasn't feeling good. And I needed to isolate me. I mean with this case, you know ... Lolita ... and after the Bunny's come back. I was really lost. And I knew you endured... A lot.  
\- Because you stayed in your silence! I tried to understand but you didn't. When I tried to get closer to you, you kept away.  
\- I know ... And I'm really sorry. But you couldn't understand ... All these affairs ...  
\- Erin, I ask your hand in marriage. It means I'm ready to share your life. It means I'm ready to share all moments with you. Good, bad, sad ...

I nod, silently.

\- I didn't know if I was ready for that, I confess.  
\- For what?  
\- The marriage ...  
\- So you should say to me instead of leaving.  
\- I should ... But I wanted to think it.

He turns his face towards me. I feel his gaze ...

\- Did you do?  
\- Yeah ..., I agree with a whisper.  
\- If you're not ready for, I understand Erin. If ...  
\- I accept Jay. I want to marry you.


End file.
